Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
