You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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