ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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