Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i believe in u and ur pee
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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