I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
