I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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