My liver just broke up with me...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
