Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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