I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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