oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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