Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
