Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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