Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
