U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
