This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
