I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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