Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
