so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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