I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
