There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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