Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
