I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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