chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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