I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
