Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
