She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
