shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
