the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
