Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
then he tried to convert me to islam
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
