What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
