I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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