well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
