omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
