youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
