I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
