I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
