I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
