If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I understand Curling. That high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
