I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
