I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
