She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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