I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
