I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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