Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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