Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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