Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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