Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
