Can i not drive my cunt home
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
