Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
