Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
